Articles on Kids | Topics: kids, kid
by Urania Turner
Finding harmony among the kids in a blended family situation can be a bit difficult. At times, you may feel like simply giving up on the situation because you just cannot handle the problems that continually occur. There are, though, many things that you can do to make sure your blended family works smoothly.
First, before the marriage takes place, you should agree on a number of things. First, make sure everyone agrees on where the new couple will live. Most couples find that starting a brand new home with both families is a good idea. It helps to create the theme of a new beginning with everyone involved in the family. The couple should also decide how to handle finances. Generally, new marriage partners who share everything find that this is the best method of handling the finances, especially the finances regarding both sets of children, but this is certainly something that must be decided by the individual parties. It can cause a bit of a fight among the kids when one gets more money from their parent than the other gets from theirs.
In addition, you can do to make sure there is harmony in your new household is make some parenting decisions before the actual marriage occurs. Couples must decide what kind of role to play in each child's life. Couples must also decide what kinds of household rules will be in place for all of the children involved in the relationship. Even if you have lived together before the marriage, this is an essential discussion, because after the marriage occurs, children are likely to react quite differently. You might want to make a relationship between the new stepparent and your child where the stepparent is more a friend or a counselor than a disciplinarian. This can help your child to respect the stepparent and work into a more parental relationship. Be sure to try to let the custodial parent be responsible for all of the major discipline issues until the stepparent and the child have properly bonded. This is not to say, though, that the stepparent should appear to be a spy for the custodial parent. They should monitor the child's behavior without making it look as if they only want to "tell on the child." Before the children are ever present in the situation, each spouse should decide on a few rules that are a must for the new household.
| Quote of the Day |
Mighty few young black women are doin’ domestic work. And I’m glad. That’s why I want my kids to go to school. This one lady told me, “All you people are gettin’ like that.” I said, “I’m glad.” There’s no more gettin’ on their knees.
| —Maggie Holmes, African American domestic worker. As quoted in Working, book 3, by Studs Terkel (1973) |
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Once the two of you make this decision, you can present it to all of the children. This will help them see the two of you as a united front, which is a must in blended families. One of the most important things you can remember when you are attempting to help your blended family harmonize is that each spouse must never disagree with the other in front of the children. Children not only need to see the two of you within a stable relationship, they also need to understand that they two of you are a team in every single decision that you make, whether the decision directly applies to the children or not. One final way to make sure your blended family finds harmony is to ensure that each child has time with his or her custodial parent in a one-on-one situation on a regular basis. Children need to know that they are loved and respected for who they are. Meeting with the children alone on a regular basis can help to establish this relationship. It can also help the child to feel as if he or she has a line of communication to the biological parent in the situation.
Blended families can and do work on a regular basis. The key to making harmony within your blended family is to ensure that you have a strong balance of both love and discipline within your home. Make sure the child is the child and the parent is the parent. Making sure that children get the affection they need from both parents will also help to make the situation the best it can possibly be. Children can certainly throw a kink in the new relationship, but these tips should help you to create harmony within your new relationship.
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