Articles on Family | Topics: family, families, familial
by Reva Kramer
Dealing with negative friends can be tough, but negative family can be a nightmare. Some people will feel you owe them just because you're related. Others will drain on your emotions until you have no energy left to make decisions, or progress of your own. Being robbed of this power can keep you from feeling self-confident.
Set Your Boundaries
We all have guidelines for behaviors we will and won't accept. It's unrealistic to think people will only make us happy all of the time, but with boundaries in place, you'll deal with problems less.
It is okay to apply these boundaries to everyone. Your parents have no more right to abuse you than the bill collector. If you wouldn't take treatment from a stranger without complaining, then make sure to stick up to the loved ones in your life too.
Lee lives about a block from her elderly mother, and every morning at 5:00 the phone starts to ring. The requests come non-stop until finally it's time for her to go to work. By the time Lee gets home, there are several messages on her machine.
This constant barrage of responsibility is making Lee tired and angry. She wouldn't accept this treatment from a bill collector, so why does she put up with it from mom? Guilt. Ever since her father died, Lee's mother has been listless. Her daughter is afraid of what she might do without support.
Lee's actions aren't meeting up with her intentions. She wants to offer her mom love and caring, but her frustration starts to interfere. Their discussions now are short and snippy, and Lee's mother is becoming even more insecure about her future.
Lee needs to figure out how many calls a day is right for her, and how many trips a week she can make for her mother. Not how many she should, but how many she can do without becoming resentful. That is what will make her mother feel unsupported, so that is the problem to be avoided.
Vocalize Your Independence
Laura and Steve starting dating at a time when her life was really low. He helped her - emotionally and financially - and now that she has a good job, he freely spends her money. She doesn't want to seem ungrateful and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, but she's growing increasingly resentful that he's carelessly spending what she's working hard to earn.
| Bit of History |
I believe that the members of my family must be as free from suspicion as from actual crime.
| —Julius Caesar [Gaius Julius Caesar] (100–44 B.C.) |
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"I just want to break up with him!" She says in frustration. Is this realistic?
While this may be simpler for her to say then talking to him about money problems, it does nothing to fulfill her goal of protecting his feelings. Talking to Steve about being financially independent from each other caries a risk, but not as great as breaking things off completely.
Vocalizing can be a huge risk for someone to take. A person might need to look at alternatives. Letters can be an excellent way to share your opinion in a positive way. It's also a baby step because it introduces a conversation without the fear of looking someone in the eye and seeing their disappointment, frustration, anger, or sadness.
Breaking Ties
Sadly, sometimes no matter how you state your position, family will not listen. Your sister-in-Law will keep dropping by unannounced, only to degrade your house. Your brother will keep borrowing money, he may even steal your car. Your parents may always talk down to you. Sometimes the only safe decision you have is cutting someone out of your life.
Maxine's mother was always an overbearing figure in her life. During an argument Maxine was having with her husband, her mother burst in their front door, and flew into their living room, kicking and screaming at the man in her life. It was his final straw. She had to make a decision, and unfortunately for Maxine's out-of-control mother, she chose her husband over the rest of her family.
If you cut ties, it's a good idea to keep some contact with your family, as inconspicuously as possible. Maxine's sister served as a valuable confidant, and later in their mother's life, was able to reunite them before their mother's death. We never know how or when people will choose to change, and it's good for our souls if we keep possibilities open.
Being close with loved ones doesn't mean taking all they have to give. Often it means setting boundaries so that you can enjoy your time with them more. After all, it's the quality of your family relationships and the efforts you make on your goals when dealing with them that help you maintain your self-confidence.
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